Department of Societal Subversion
Greetings, fellow conspirators!
First off, I'd like to begin by apologizing for the lateness of this report. I'm aware that they're supposed to be released at the beginning of each fiscal year, but I've been - how shall we say - somewhat occupied lately with personnel and job-security issues. As you all know, promotion in the ranks of the Evil Atheist Conspiracy comes by assassinating your predecessor, and what with the economic depression and the crunch in the job market we've been having lately, there's been no dearth of applicants for my position. But when I became the head of the Societal Subversion Department, I vowed on the warm, smoking corpse of my predecessor that I would continue his proud tradition of never-give-up, never-say-never, and never-show-mercy-to-your-defeated-enemy dedication. It's that kind of devotion, drive and ruthlessly efficient team spirit that's made the eAc the world leader in evil and nefariousness, and kept us ahead of all our competitors, be they the CEA, the ACE or the ECA.
So, to sum up: I'm still here, I'm not going anywhere soon, and I'm going to keep working - get used to it! Seriously, get used to it; I intend to continue with the random beatings and daily hound-releases until this grumbling ends. And to #8067, who applied for my position just the other week: I'd say "let that be a lesson to you," but, well, you know. In accordance with eAc policy, his family will be sent a fruit basket.
Now then, let's get down to business. Again, I apologize for the lateness, and to keep this report topical I'll sum up our activities for this year up until now as well as last year's.
I am very pleased to report that 2001 and the first half of 2002 have seen the eAc succeed beyond our wildest dreams, shattering all revenue and growth expectations as we met or surpassed a wide variety of key goals. These last six quarters could very well have been the best we've ever had, and considering the eAc has existed since 6400 B.C. when it was a secret society with cells in Atlantis, Lemuria and Angkor Wat, that's really saying something.
As anyone who's been watching the news lately knows, the eAc Department of Religiously Sanctioned Child Abuse has finally seen its plans come to fruition after decades of patient preparation. The sex scandal exploding throughout the ranks of the Roman Catholic church has sent the world's largest Christian sect reeling, its credibility and moral authority damaged perhaps beyond repair, its image as a patient dispenser of holy wisdom and an unchanging rock of spiritual solace in a chaotic and violent world forever tarnished. Once priests were seen as trustworthy father-figures and upstanding pillars of the community, but now parents are afraid to leave their children alone with one of them, and their sermons on love, morality and forgiveness are widely viewed as hypocritical, hollow shams.
Even better, church collection plates are coming back empty as parishioners withhold their tithes out of justifiable fear they will be used as hush money to protect pedophiles. Furthermore, the assets the church already has are rapidly being seized in an avalanche of civil lawsuits filed in retribution for bishops covering up and perpetuating this abuse for decades by moving molester priests from parish to parish, enabling them to reach thousands more young victims they otherwise would never have gotten their hands on, all because the authorities were more concerned for the church's reputation than for innocent children's lives. The recent conference of U.S. bishops threatened to put a stop to this trend and restore laypeople's trust, but a few of our carefully placed operatives thwarted them by deleting or weakening language survivors' groups wanted in the final resolution, thus allowing past molesters and the bishops who shielded them to escape without punishment. This whole business is unstoppable now, thanks to you guys - it's bound to steamroll to its ultimate conclusion.
And I've saved the best news of all for last. "Encouraged" by a combination of eAc double agents and subliminal suggestion, Catholic laypeople furious at the church authorities' betrayal and refusal to take action have formed organizations such as Voice of the Faithful to demand reform. A bad thing for us, their campaign to eliminate the church culture of corruption and secrecy, you might say? Not at all! Because these people have begun to question the Church itself, and as you all know, as soon as religious people start questioning, they're ours!! Muahahaha!!!!
P.S. - I should also note that the DRSCA's Plan B was set into motion early due to the overwhelming success of the first, and of course, it's succeeded no less spectacularly - perhaps even more so, considering how much harder it is to get our agents into paranoid, secretive cults like the Jehovah's Witnesses. But we pulled it off, and the results have been no less dramatic. Similar scandals have rocked the Watchtower, set off by the news that JW church elders conspired to protect the molesters, letting them off with no punishment because there were no independent witnesses (as required by Biblical law) and threatening to excommunicate any abuse victim who went to the police. Of course they only did it because they were under the power of our satellite mind-control rays, but ordinary citizens don't know that, and what must this whole thing look like to them? Like vindication for what we atheists have been saying all along about the inevitable results of religious theocracy, of course!
I know it was an idea you guys came up with on the spot, but sometimes the spontaneous ideas are the best ones of all. I am, of course, referring to the eAc Department of Media Control's recent little prank. During Rev. Jerry Vines' recent speech at the Southern Baptist Pastors' Conference (and yes, you will be punished for watching it, regardless of how things turned out), our wacky, fun-loving media controllers got an idea midway through to cut in, shut off his microphone and overdub his broadcast voice with a spoken track of their own design! You should have seen the look on Vines' face when his mention of the Prophet Muhammed as a "peaceful Heaven-sent ambassador of tolerance, love and goodwill" went unheard, replaced instead with a dub of his own voice calling the Muslim prophet a "demon-possessed pedophile" in front of thousands! Believe me, guys, we were rolling in the aisles for hours after that one.
Moving on to the second of the world's three great monotheistic faiths, our successes have been no less noteworthy; if anything, they've been even greater. In an orgy of global violence and terrorism over the last few months, all the political, social and cultural gains Islam has made in the last thousand years have been wiped out. Just as we planned, its gentle moderates and liberal scholars have been completely forgotten, some even jailed without cause in U.S. prisons, and its most violent, extreme fanatics and deranged fundamentalists have become stereotypes of the entire faith. Satan knows, it's been enough of a struggle to prevent Islam from going through a modernizing, liberalizing reformation the way Christianity did. (I have it on good authority that some unfortunate individuals are still paying for that slip-up.) But we've managed to succeed, confining it mostly to cruel, repressive theocracies and dictatorial states that sponsor terrorism. Now we can all relax and breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that momentum is finally on our side, as people have begun asking if this bloodthirsty, narrow-minded disregard for human life and liberty isn't possibly something that's inherent to the faith. A whole slew of eAc departments have pitched in and worked together to bring us to this point, and kudos are in order for every one of you. Great job, all!
And finally we come to the last of the Abrahamic religions. Once again I'd like to commend the eAc Department of Increasing Tension in World Religious Hotspots, Middle East Division - it's done stellar work, as always. Whenever peace negotiations threatened to get under way, our agents were always able to convince some religious lunatic to blow himself up in a public place or vote to further expand settlements or build fences on occupied land, thus reigniting the never-ending spiral of violence and death. Thanks to our operatives' diligent work, the Jews and Palestinians have been completely prevented from realizing how much they have in common (Their genes are so similar they're practically the same people! Isn't it amazing we've been able to keep them from noticing that?) and have been kept blind and ignorant, trapped at each other's throats by mutual racial, ethnic and religious hatred ultimately rooted in causes going back so far that they wouldn't be relevant today even if anyone could remember what they were. And what's the result? Palestinian suicide bombers and gunmen strike, Israel responds with tanks and missiles, completely innocent people on both sides suffer and die pointlessly, and the whole world watches, paralyzed by doubt, divided by dissension - thus completely distracting everyone while we conspire behind their backs! The fools haven't a clue! If only all sides concerned would start acting rationally and cooperating for once, instead of allowing themselves to be brainwashed by religious dogma and unrelenting, unreasoning prejudice, this conflict could end tomorrow. But they never will, and that's the beauty of it. How lucky we atheists are that religious people don't think!
I'm also pleased to report that we've expanded our reach and begun successfully targeting Eastern religions as well. The eAc Department of Increasing Tension in World Religious Hotspots, Kashmir Division, deserves high praise for its recent work in bringing Muslim Pakistan and Hindu India to the very brink of nuclear war. Yet again, age-old tensions rooted in religious hatred and nationalist dogma were successfully exploited. Isn't it remarkable how easy it is to drown out the voices of logic and rational thought in a sea of inflamed mob mentality, merely by pulling the right strings? Dance, theists! Dance for our pleasure! Ahahaha!!
Sadly, both sides came to their senses and backed off at the very last minute. That is unfortunate, as a full-fledged war would have provided some excellent cover for us to execute several of our own operations and also would have made it that much easier for us to succeed when our plan for total world conquest goes into effect. But there will always be a next time - the flames of religiously-inspired hatred are easy to fan again. As long as we continue to encourage terrorists and fundamentalist fanatics to strike along the line of control, sooner or later we're guaranteed success. I mean, how likely is it that both sides will start thinking rationally enough to see past their religious and ethnic differences, recognize each other's common humanity even though they believe differently and put their hatred and strife behind them? Not very likely, that's for sure!
Smashing news reaches us from Down Under, where the 2001 Australian census has revealed that just over 25% of the population - that's 4.8 million people - answered the question about their religious affiliation with "No religion" or not at all. That's a stunning increase considering only 17% of the population - less than 3 million people - answered that question the same way in the 1996 Census only five years ago! Friends, we are winning the battle! Much of this success is no doubt owed to the new indoctrination initiative being rolled out by the eAc Department of Atheistic Propaganda. Australia was the first test of this initiative, and I think the results speak for themselves. Soon the entire nation will be under our control, and then we can turn our eyes to the last bastion of religious fundamentalism in the world, the only place left with the power to resist us: the United States of America.
Granted, our operatives have been working inside the country for a long time. The Christians' power has been severely hampered already by our blackmailing the Supreme Court into delivering a ludicrous interpretation of the Constitution's First Amendment as intended to create a "wall of separation between church and state", rather than interpreting it to mean America was always intended to be a Christian nation as is obviously the case. But the religious right is still powerful, thanks to its consistent support base of trailer-park residents and high school dropouts, and is far from defeated. Nevertheless, our plans are moving into high gear, and Operation Eagle Storm will be ready to launch within a few years.
It will begin with an onslaught of black helicopters dropping eAc 'Nietzsche'-class stormtroopers, followed by a multi-pronged attack on those most vulnerable to our indoctrination: the young! First, the Department of Evolutionism, which has infiltrated most public schools, is ready to teach children that God does not exist and that they're just purposeless accidents who don't need to follow any moral rules. Once that teaching is firmly instilled in their minds and the public schools are under our control, next will come the Department of Alternative Lifestyles' operatives, taking over health classes to recruit kids into the homosexual agenda and brainwash them into believing that promiscuous sex outside marriage with a wide array of anonymous partners is OK. And all the while, the eAc's DEA (Drug Encouragement Agency) will unleash an avalanche of addictive, mind-altering substances promoted through peer pressure and viral-marketing campaigns. Soon, the moral fabric of the nation will be in tatters, the fundamentalists will be seen as backward, preachy Puritans, and faith in the Bible will be forgotten, and that's when we'll step in and take over! America will be ours, all ours! Muahahaha!!!!!
(Footnote: On June 27 the U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that the phrase "one nation under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance is unconstitutional. Phase 1 of Operation Eagle Storm is proceeding exactly according to plan.)
After all this good news, it saddens me to have to close this report on a less positive note, but there's one potential problem looming that we need to deal with, and soon. The United Nations has long been a stronghold of ours (which will undoubtedly come as no surprise to those of you with the clearance to know about the eAc Department for the Establishment of a One-World Government's Project Phoenix), but lately conservative U.S. Christian and hardline fundamentalist Islamic groups have teamed up there, combining their lobbying efforts in an attempt to ban family planning and contraception and oppose the expansion of rights for homosexuals, women and children - key atheist causes, as I'm sure you all know.
This is a worrying trend. So far the eAc has had great success in provoking intolerance, infighting and dissension among the various fundamentalist groups, keeping them too busy battling, denouncing and even killing each other to unite against us. But if they've started to realize that they can be a real threat to us by joining together, we're in trouble - the whole timetable for the conspiracy could be thrown off. We must put a stop to this. The eAc-orchestrated U.S. overthrow of the Taliban, pitting Christians against Muslims, was a good start, but more needs to be done. Our operatives are already hard at work, so expect an update with the next report. With any luck we'll be able to rekindle the mutual racism and hatred that have kept these groups at each others' throats for so long, shattering this alliance before it gets off the ground. If not, we'll have to use our Doomsday Device, and while we'll certainly control the planet after that, there'll hardly be enough of it left to control anymore.
That's it for now. Remember, fellow conspirators, keep on fighting the good fight! No matter how the forces of God and goodness oppose us, we will win this war - I know it. If your spirits ever flag, just think of some of our most famous operatives, the ones who did more than anyone else to destroy belief in God and lessen his power and influence in the world. I speak of course of Galileo Galilei (who almost singlehandedly established the 'heliocentric' hoax, nullifying centuries of Biblically-supported geocentrism), James Baker Simpson (who outwitted God's curse on Eve's descendants by giving anesthesia to women in labor, and stood up to the churches who condemned him for it), and Charles Darwin (need I ask?), among many others.
Thanks to courageous atheists like those, we've completely undone millennia of theist influence, turning the world into a place where children and mothers can expect to survive birth, where the average lifespan is greater than 30, where infectious diseases don't routinely ravage the population, and where we understand how the laws of nature work and have turned that knowledge to our advantage, creating technology to ensure our comfort and happiness. And of course, when people are happy, not constantly miserable and suffering, not forced to confront their own mortality on a daily basis, they forget all about God! Soon, faithful conspirators, our evil science will make this world a true paradise, where all are equal and happy, where ignorance and superstition are defeated, and where there is no pain, no suffering, and even no death. And when that happens, old-time religion will have been struck a fatal blow, and the world will be ours!-V.